30 Days of Prayer

Ever feel that tug in your gut?
That nagging, gnawing, persistent thought/emotion/urge that just won't let up?

No?  Well then you can stop reading.
For the rest, you get what I'm saying.

Yesterday I blogged about getting my butt off of the "it's all about me" couch and instead jumping back on the "it's really about God" train.

It's not that easy. I do know that.  For those of you who may have been annoyed at that post, I really do get it.  I know better than anyone that working on letting go of hurt and pain and frustration is just that: work.

And me, the problem-solver, task-attacker that I am wants a plan of action so I can see results.

We're people.  Not flow charts.
This life is a process.

But I did have an idea smack me upside the head.
(Actually, nag me for the past 4 months is more like it).

Much of my pouty self-focus has stemmed from hurt I've felt from people.  People who've not apologized; maybe not even realized that they've caused me pain. (And before you go there, I know the word of God addresses how to handle situations when others have sinned against you.  I have perspective in that arena that I may or may not share another time.  Today's focus is on my own heart in the meantime).
It has been easy for me to dwell.
On my hurt.  On my anger.  On my poor pitiful self.
(All justified, mind you.  As are your pains as well).

Yet.
How?  How on earth can I just let it all go?
(Insert recent overplayed Disney song here).

It doesn't have to be complicated.
It also cannot remotely be fabricated.
It is honest, heart-felt, gut-wrenchingly real prayer.

This month, as I accepted the challenge to 30 days of prayer for the Ukraine, I also challenge myself to 30 days of prayer for those who have caused me pain.  There may be days my prayer focuses on one individual.  There may be days when I pray for a group.  But at the end of this month, my overall hope is that my heart towards all I pray for will be softened and better able to forgive, and love, and let go.

It will be painful. I plan to pour my heart out to my Great Love and let the tears wash me clean in His never-failing Love. 
Some days I predict will be unbearably challenging.  I trust God to provide the grace I will need. 
Some days will be healing. 
Overall, I predict freedom.

Have you been hurt?
I know you have.
Will you join me?
We can encourage each other.
Let's pour our hearts out.
Let's beg God to comfort.
Let's ask Him to bless our hurtful neighbor.
Let's allow Him to heal the broken.
Our broken.

Let's pray.

I Make a Lousy Living Sacrifice

I have been staring at a blank screen.

My friends are telling me to write.

God is telling me to write.

So, I sit.
And I stare.
The blank screen glares back at me.
The keyboard taunts me.
The challenge in my head plays over and over again
As day after day I sit and stare at the bright white in front me.

Wordless.

It's not right. 
This dilemma from the woman I thought that I was.
I am supposed to have wisdom and insight and encouragement and strength.

Lately I have felt the complete opposite of everything listed above.
Foolish.  Thoughtless.  Discouraged.  Weak.

One thing happened late last week that began to stir something inside of me again.
Just one little thing.
One little, big, simple yet life altering moment.

I, yet again, broke and finally acknowledged that this life and journey is not about me.

Lately I've really, I mean really, struggled with that.
And was in complete denial.

Instead, I dove head-first into my never-ending well of hurts and frustrations
Wrapping them around me like a familiar, warm blanket from which I could not seem to break free.
The problem with that blanket is that it has holes in it.
Big ones.
And it's itchy. And scratchy.
So, I would just readjust myself and shift positions, never shedding the comfort or familiarity of curling up in my sorrows.

I plan to address some of those sorrows, because I think some of you can relate and need encouragement in the midst of the hurt and abandonment and reality of being thrust into a leper colony not of your choosing.
But today's post is not about that.
Today is about the decision to step out of the uncomfortable familiar.
To break free.

A few years ago I had a revelation:
I am never happy when I am focused on myself.
It is a challenge daily to lay myself upon the altar.
It would be easy if people were always nice and helpful, encouraging and apologetic.
But they're not.
People can be thoughtless and mean.  Selfish and cruel.
And it is hard to put them first when my heart is still mending.

Here's a realization: My heart will forever be mending.
There will never come a day when I will say "I am healed" and feel pain no more.
Because compassion comes with a price: heartache.

God tells me to love people anyway.

After all, He loved me at my absolute worst.
When hope was lost.
When all had vanished.
I had nothing to offer Him.
Nothing.
He scooped me up in His amazingly powerful arms and held me, never to let me go.

How could I not turn around and love His most prized creation out of the never ending well of His Love and Compassion for me?

When I don't, it's because I forget that:

HE is enough.
He IS enough.
He is ENOUGH.

Him.
It is ALL and ONLY about HIM.

And that, dear friends, is when I remember

I remember
I remember

That I can lay:
My hurts
My pain
My desires
My plans
My dreams
My Life
on the altar
because He already made the real sacrifice.

I have no right to make any moment of my life about me.
If I am still standing...
And I am...
It is for one purpose and one purpose only.

Not to dwell on me.

To point to Him.

Today's Prayer

"Lord, make my life a testimony to your compassion and grace."

I've pondered that prayer this week.
A lot.

I used to pray it quite often.
When my world had crashed and God saved me from the pit.  He rescued me and sustained me and became the very oxygen I inhaled and the blood in my veins.

Now, nearly 5 years later, life is quite different.
In some ways, more comfortable.
Although the enemy enjoys finding ways to remind me of my brokenness-
pouring salt in old wounds that have never completely healed.
My Great Love, however, turns those moments around to remind me how far I have come - how far He has brought me - and the sting of remembering is washed away in the soothing waters of His grace and mercy and provision.

In the more smoother season of life I now lead, I never want to live complacent...
Yet I quite enjoy being comfortable.

That's where this prayer steps in and asks me:
Do I Really Trust Him?

I say I do.
My life is a living breathing testimony to His goodness.
But I also know that testimony came as a result of heartache.

How many of us can say the same thing?

Many, is my guess.

So why do we fight the trials?
As if they will ease if I just fight hard enough against the waves.


But then, this:

 

 

I do.  Kiss the wave.

I treasure it.

Because it did slam me into the One who carried and saved me.

Time and time again.

 

The only way my life can be a testimony to God's compassion and grace is for me to first of all remember and acknowledge all the ways He was compassionate and graceful to me. Secondly, I must live that compassion and grace to others.

And sometimes...

No, scratch that.

OFTEN

It is hard to do.

 

That's what takes me back to the prayer I shared earlier -

It is a difficult prayer to say - and mean - sometimes.

 

People can be frustrating.

Cruel.

Selfish.

Annoying.

Sometimes Toxic.

 

God gave no qualifiers on who we are to love and show compassion towards.

 

Some days are easy - when my children are angelic and my friends come through and others act in love towards me.

Other days, not so much, when children are snarky and others are critical, judgmental, self-serving and place their own agendas above their relationship with me.

 

Love them anyway.

 

How many times have I heard the saying,

"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about" ?

Often.

How many times do I apply that to others instead myself?

Rarely.
I often want others to show me grace for they don't know all of the battles I have faced or presently face.

They don't know all that is on my plate

Or what struggles I confront.

Yet, I am oftentimes the quickest to form judgments against another without taking into account that I don't know all they are facing today.

 

So, today, I WILL pray:

"Lord, make my life a testimony to your compassion and grace."

And I will mean it.
Because His hand of compassion and grace in my life has been truly overwhelming.
And I owe Him.

Truly.

My Life.

 

 

My Corner of the World

Now and then I need to step back and reevaluate why I do what do.
In everything.

The latter part of 2013 brought moments of contemplation for me that really led me to slow down
Breathe deeply
And focus on what was directly in front of me.

Sometimes I get so consumed in the big picture,
My desire to make an impact on the world,
That I forget that the world is right in front of me-
In the faces of the ones who are my world.

So, I stepped back.
Reassessed.
And took a break from my daydreams of world changing.

I daydream about travelling to exotic lands to
Hold in my arms orphan babies
Touch the lined faces of women whose language I do not speak
View the smiles of aged men who've walked paths I've never seen
Scale mountains I've only seen in pictures
Gaze upon a sunrise knowing my homeland tucks in for the night.

I may never get to do these things.

But what I do get to experience can take my breath away
If I will only let it.

My one-foot-in-childhood/one-foot-in-adolescence daughter begging to read Dr. Seuss to me at bedtime.
My man-child asking me ALL of the questions, grown-up questions, late into the night on Christmas Eve.
Mealtime at the table.
Bike riding and hiking.
Disciplining as my children grow into young adults.
Witnessing the student overcoming fear and speaking with confidence.
Listening to the young man jabber on in my office about his own dreams to change the world.
Watching young people exit my classroom with skills and confidence to take on their dreams.

Each of us is a world-changer.

It begins

Today.

Now.

Change the world right where you stand.

And if we all change the corner of the world in which we live,
The whole world changes.

Only 5 Months Till My Birthday!

And I know what I want.

(Now, c'mon.  You know I'm not the only one who plans ahead for their special day)

The Hands of Mercy Outreach Center is a local, non-profit community outreach center which assists those in need in the community whether it be through food, clothing, utility bill assistance, etc.  They hold quarterly Food Pantries where members of the area can come and get much needed grocery and household items.  I have had the pleasure of assisting the Center in their mobile pantries and by donating gently used clothing and household items.

They have recently begun a Weekend Feeding Program which sends a bag of food discreetly in a child's backpack for the weekend.  Here's a hard truth:  many of the children in our community do not eat nutritious food, if at all, when they are not at school.  Many do not eat from the time they leave lunch until they arrive at school the next morning and are served breakfast.  Many have precious little to eat over the weekend.  This is serving a great need.  It took a lot of prayer, hard work and great perseverance to make it happen, and I am so proud that it did.

Here is why I share:
It takes approximately $160 to feed one child for the year.

This is what I want for my birthday:
If merely 15 of my friends will donate $10 for this cause, together we can feed a child for a year in this program.

10 bucks.

I don't need another candle.
I don't need a bottle of lotion.
The good Lord knows I need no jewelry.

But these children.
Need.
Food.

Would you consider partnering with me in this cause?

Consider it my birthday present.
I am donating my birthday to the Hands of Mercy Outreach Center.
My goal:  One child for the year.
(Two including the child I plan to sponsor myself).

Pray about this.
I am working on living with more Intentionality. 
Ask God if He is indeed leading you to serve others in this capacity.
If His answer is yes, please join with me.
You have months to join and I WILL be reminding you.
You will be feeding a hungry child in your own backyard in the name of the Savior.

What more could one ask for on a birthday?

The Purpose-Driven Nancy

Intentionality.

That's weighing heavy on my mind.

It's why I purge.
It's behind my attempt at the 333 Project.
It's the purpose behind my porch time.

I've lived the day-in day-out life of status quo and excuses and negativity.
It didn't work for me.
My life crumbled as a result.

And I learned the value of Intentionality:
Living every day - and moment - with purposeful intention.

I often fall short.
The housework builds and bills stack up and the children...
Why oh why must they be fed every.single.day?

But there is grace.
The precious gift of redemption.
That whisper that reminds me that tomorrow is new and fresh
Filled to the brim with another cup of mercy to strengthen me in my weaknesses.

And I refocus once more on...
Intention.
Purpose.

Making conscious choices rather than falling prey to the "it is what it is" mentality.

These past few days the Spirit has whispered over and over to me...
"Intentionality."

It's time for me to dig a little deeper into my heart to search out my purpose and focus.
To allow Him into the depths that I've hidden away as I've taken on new roles and assumed bigger responsibilities these past couple of years.
To allow myself to be stretched once more deeply out of my comfort zone so that I can be more fully His.
To put my money where my mouth is.
To let go of my attachment to 'stuff'.
To ensure my treasure is eternal.

Intention.
It's mind and heart transformed into Action.

It Really Is This Simple

Walking toward the exit, the once-orphaned now full grown man turns to the woman and says, "Thank you for loving me all those years ago."
She replies, eyes smiling, "Isn't that what it's all about?"

Fade Out.

This was the final scene in a family movie I viewed with my children this past weekend.

A simple, yet profound final statement:

Love.
Isn't that what it's all about?

While I was attending graduate school in Memphis, Tennessee, every semester at least once, a gentleman came and stood on the corner across the road from the Communication building and shouted to students entering campus,
"Repent!  The kingdom of God is near!  Turn from your sinful ways!  Repent!"
While holding a large sign which condemned sinners to hell.

No student ever stopped to talk with this man.
I witnessed sneers and laughter and scoffing. Not repentance.
Finally, unable to walk away again, I went to the man and asked,
"Out of curiosity, how many students have you led to the foot of Jesus?"
He was silent.
I asked again, "Are your methods effective at saving the lost?"
He could not answer.
His intentions were possibly right.
His method was intensely wrong.

How many people are led to the foot of the cross by condemnation?
How many lost are taught the intense love of their Creator and Savior through shouting?
I have my guesses at answers to these questions.
But that is not my main point.

Here is the heart of the matter:
Love.

The apostle Paul tells us this in his letter to the Corintians.
God said it Himself when He chose a tortuous death over eternity without me.

So, why am I saying anything else?
Am I saying to compromise convictions?
Not at all.

But why is that an either/or option?
It isn't.

Love.
Love People.

It really is what it's all about.

That.
And.
Nothing.
Else.