In Which I Am Angry With Brant Hansen

Recently I heard something that really bothered me. Okay so 'bothered' is not the right word. 'Ticked me off' would be more accurate. And so I did what any red-blooded American in the 21st-century does, I took to social media with my gripe. And just like that my displeasure, perfectly phrased and exquisitely worded, was placed out for public consumption so that I could make sure I knew who agreed with me in their offense at the ridiculous statement that I had just heard. 

What I want to share with you is what happened in the 2 minutes after I posted my gripe. 

You see, I recently read a book that has challenged me deeply. And by 'challenge me deeply' I mean stepped all over my toes. The thing is, I am one of those weirdos that actually seeks out people to step on my toes. I don't necessarily enjoy it. I hate it actually. Detest is an even better word. Yet, still, I need it. My faith walk needs it. My life needs it. I need to be challenged in every possible way. It's one of the few things that truly helps me grow.  

This book to which I'm referring is 'Unoffendable' by Brant Hansen.  

I'm not going to give you a book review or a synopsis of what this book covers. And the title of this post lies.  I'm not actually angry with Brant Hansen. Ok, I was. A little. I certainly didn't like him for a little while.  However, I will just tell you that if you're struggling with forgiveness, self-righteousness, judgmentalism, the concept of grace...you know, those issues that most of us struggle with on any given day, then you need to read this book. 

I am presently at a place in my life where I am seeking to love others better. I'm seeking to know others better. I'm a sucker for a good story, and I want to know everyone's. I truly believe that only in knowing an individual's story can we truly begin to know their heart, feel compassion, and begin to love them the way that Jesus does. But in order to do that, I really have to get the chip off of my shoulder. That is a terribly difficult task.

I don't know if you have ever struggled with letting go of hurt that someone else has inflicted on you, neglect that you have felt in an area of your life, rejection, pain, brokenness. But I know that I have, and in the years that I have journeyed with Jesus as His beloved, I would be lying if I said that seeds of bitterness had not begun to sprout within my heart. I have a chip on my shoulder. And I recently asked God to knock it off. 

Shortly after that, I found this book. While reading it, I have laughed out loud, I have cried openly, and I have related to so many of the things that Brant has shared. I have been the rejected one. I have been the one to reject others. And it's time that I get over myself, stop taking the world so personally as if it is attacking who I am, see into people's hearts a little bit more deeply, and just love them. 

Not every stupid thing said or done around me requires my input, my assessment, my comment or rebuke. 

Simply put, what's happening is not about me. Even when it is about me, really it isn't. 

No really. 

It's. 

Not. 

So, back to this crisp Spring evening, as I placed my smart device into my lap, so proud of my astute commentary on the events that surrounded me, within the next two minutes the conviction that I have felt while reading this book, and studying these words against the word of God, moved me. I was humbled. I was out of line. And I deleted my comment. 

My comment was seen. And I have been asked about it since, much to my disappointment. However, maybe that's not such a bad thing. Because you see, I need a little grace, too. If I can be an example of a smart-mouth know-it-all, quick with her online gripes who can start to change her ways through the changing of her heart, then anyone can. 

I pray for unity. 

I thank God for grace. 

I seek out opportunities to stretch outside my comfort zone. 

I acknowledge my flaws. 

I repent of my sin. 

And I long to be 

Unoffendable. 

Never Stop Telling Your Story

I can be a bit of a dreamer.
I can be a tad bit dramatic.
I have a tendency to get a little too excited about the bigger picture.

The last few months have settled me down a bit in that area.

Life happens.  That's an interesting expression, don't you think?

But, nevertheless, events and people and circumstances and changes all tend to get in the way of our grandiose plans, whatever those plans may be. For me, it was to change the world.

You know, between semesters of teaching, or something like that.

Funny things happen when circumstances change or daily life events take your attention or you wake up one day and your child is turning 14 and you realize...
My life is my world.
My life is the world I am called to change.

I don't have to impact the entire world to make a difference.
I simply have a calling to impact the world around me.
I meet people and interact with people and teach people all day.  Every day.

Here is my point:
I have a story.  It is a broken, battered, redeemed story.
And it may never cross the globe.
I am still called to tell it.
Because there is someone out there who needs to hear my story.  And who needs to hear the hope.
Sometimes you need to know someone understands.  Sometimes you need to lean on a soul who's been there. 
And be reminded you're not alone. 
And that there is redemption. 
And healing.
That wounds scab or scar over.
And sometimes ripped wide open again.
That sometimes wounds never heal.
And all of that is ok.

Here's a secret about my job:
I am paid to encourage people to tell their story.
I am paid to listen to people tell their story.
And I am paid to teach them how to tell it better.
What an amazing and wonderful task I have been given!
Because EVERYONE has a story to tell.
And someone out there needs to hear those stories.
Those stories will change the world.

So, I will continue to tell mine.
One day.  One moment.
One blog post.
One family dinner.
One hike in the woods.
One morning on the porch.
At a time.

I have only a precious few years left with my children.
And then they will be off living their own lives and...

Changing the world.

Spring. New Beginnings.

Has it really been 7 months since I last wrote?

Yikes.

Not that you are all waiting on pins and needles anxiously anticipating words to pour forth.

But still, when you long to be transparent and desire to share your journey in order to encourage others, this long of a time period is unacceptable.

I do not profess to be a writer by any stretch of the imagination.  However, I have gone through a period where I've turned inward moreso than usual (apparently) as I process life around me.  Lately, and finally, the words and thoughts and desires to once again share my heart have grown within me so that I feel I can once again sit behind this screen and at least try to be a voice of hope.
A voice of encouragement.
A voice that will shine light and strengthen you.

Life happens.  All the goals and plans and dreams in the world cannot stop it from continuing on and creating interruptions daily.  So, do I view my life as a series of interruptions or opportunities?

I choose to see Opportunity.


So, this Spring season, with its tiny buds of new life sprawling out on the branches around me and fresh shades of green and touches of warm sun on skin, I will view as a rebirth of my voice behind my little blog in hopes that I can encourage even one person who has found him or herself

broken
in need of a beacon.

I was there.
I get it.
There is another side.
The other side.
Where still waters and fresh pasture await you.

I want to be one who reminds you of that.

Plans

Sometimes someone says something that just reaches out and slaps you across the face.

That happened to me this week.

"I made plans.  They were good plans with good purpose and I was excited about my future.  I had good plans and thought God would bless them.  But they were not God's plans."

OK, I paraphrase.
Bear with me.
The point is the same.

This is exactly me.
Right now.

I have good plans.  Plans that make sense and are good, noble plans with good purpose and meaning, and God could do great things with my plans. So, please bless my plans, Lord.

You know, you would think I had learned my lesson by now.
Those of you close to my life or readers of my blog from the beginning know that I have been here before.
I have thought that I was on the right track when I was actually nowhere near where I needed to be -
where God needed me to be.

How often have I made plans based upon my limited knowledge and understanding and expected God to bless my intentions after I set out on my own course?
Daily.

How often do I greet the day with:
"This day and my heart and my life are yours, Lord.  Use them to glorify you however you see fit."
Rarely.
Possibly never.

Yesterday I wrote that I ran.

While I ran, I prayed that prayer.

And I gave my plans to God.
Trust.
It's a tricky thing.
Especially when you are raising children.
But I was also reminded of a wise man who once asked me just who exactly did I think I was to assume that I was in this all by myself.  I have the Creator of the Universe walking this path with me, loving my children more than I do.  How dare I not trust Him when I am following His lead?

This stepping out on faith is a daunting task.
But it's time I let go.
Of a lot of things.
Of my past.
Of my fears.
Of my heartaches.

Of my
Plans.

Lord, I lay down my plans.
Take my life and use it
For You.

I Ran

It was cool and it was calm, quiet and still.
And so I ran.

Muscles stretching, feet pounding pavement
I ran.

Out the door
Into the road
Away

I ran.

Away from thoughts.
Away from concerns.
Away from fears.

I ran.

Away from problems.
Away from responsiblities.
Away from it all.

I ran.

Away.

Consuming the cool morning air, knees aching, feet still pounding

I ran.
To.
Something.

You see, you cannot run away from anything without running toward something else.
I realized that this morning.
I can try to run away.
Fill my mind/time/heart with distractions.
But away from one thing always leads toward another.

As I ran, heart pounding, lungs expanding
Where was I running to?
I had a decision to make.
Where was I going?

Ultimately
Toward the Peace.
Toward the Truth.
Toward the Voice of the One who knows the depths of my heart.
Who truly knows what I am running from.

He fills my lungs as I breathe.
He moves through my veins as my muscles refuse to quit running.
He consumes me.
He sustains me.
He surrounds me.
And urges me onward.
Step by step.
Moment by moment.

I ran.

Springtime Brattiness

Recently I faced another big blow.
I received bad news.
All of my plans and hard work and goal achieving seemed down the tubes based upon this information.

And I threw one hellacious fit.

Justified, I screamed. I cried.  I threw things. I broke things.
And I. Was. Ugly.
To just about everyone but especially to the one who caused all of this trouble.
The nerve!
The complete inconsideration!
The utter selfishness!

Yep.  I sure showed it.

Here's the gut-wrenching truth:
I acted like a big, fat baby.
A spoiled rotten teen who didn't get her way, I showed out in ultimate bratty form.

It took a long, painful porch chat to face what I already knew in my gut but was denying:
The true reason I was upset was not because someone wronged me.
It was because I didn't get my way.
I had set goals and worked hard to achieve them - and never once placed God's plan ahead of my own.
If He wanted me to accomplish what I was working to accomplish: I would have made it by now.
That's the truth.
So I ask myself, once more: Why do I refuse to trust Him?

The world would tell me that yes, I had a right to be upset and what I faced was a very significant blow to my goals and plans.
The Spirit would say, "What a foolish issue to get so bent out of shape over."
It was a true sign that my feet are too firmly planted in this world.

I don't know what the future holds.
I do know that I am weary of trudging over this same ground day after day, year after year.
I am tired of the same questions and conversations and prayers.
I am ready to be making forward progress.  And I am not sure what that means.
But I trust God to lead and answer my questions.
And I trust that this latest bit of worldly bad news was just another answer from my Great Love that I simply didn't want to hear in the moment.
He has my future - if I will simply let it go.

And speaking of  "Let It Go"...

Kintsukuroi

The great philosopher Jon Bon Jovi once penned, "Everybody's Broken."
It's true.
We may feel like we are the only ones somedays.
We see friends at church or peruse social media where everyone puts their best face forward and we think, "Maybe it's me."

It's not.

A friend of mine recently asked me when the 'broken' season would be over.
She got me to pondering.

I'm not sure it ever ends.

Yet, that doesn't have to be a negative.

My broken season was my greatest.  If you've followed me, you understand why.
When I became broken was when I found my True Love in the Creator and my life has not been the same since.  Still, I didn't necessarily enjoy the process of breaking: Becoming Broken.
But being broken is who I am.
Do I mean living in my pain and woe and dredging it up every chance I get?
Do I mean feeling sorry for myself?
Do I mean embracing bitterness?
Not in any way at all.

On the contrary, it is only through my brokenness that God can truly shine through.
If I am whole and complete in me, then I am the only one seen.
And that is a poor image to behold.
Only through my cracks and breaks can the Love of the God of the Universe truly be seen and shine through.

And honestly, that is what I want.
For Him (and Him alone) to be what others see.

What an honor.
To be chosen by the King of Kings as a vessel for His light to shine through.
Oh, my prayer:
Please God:  Never seal up my broken cracks with anything but your Love.

It is the only thing worth seeing.