Plans

Sometimes someone says something that just reaches out and slaps you across the face.

That happened to me this week.

"I made plans.  They were good plans with good purpose and I was excited about my future.  I had good plans and thought God would bless them.  But they were not God's plans."

OK, I paraphrase.
Bear with me.
The point is the same.

This is exactly me.
Right now.

I have good plans.  Plans that make sense and are good, noble plans with good purpose and meaning, and God could do great things with my plans. So, please bless my plans, Lord.

You know, you would think I had learned my lesson by now.
Those of you close to my life or readers of my blog from the beginning know that I have been here before.
I have thought that I was on the right track when I was actually nowhere near where I needed to be -
where God needed me to be.

How often have I made plans based upon my limited knowledge and understanding and expected God to bless my intentions after I set out on my own course?
Daily.

How often do I greet the day with:
"This day and my heart and my life are yours, Lord.  Use them to glorify you however you see fit."
Rarely.
Possibly never.

Yesterday I wrote that I ran.

While I ran, I prayed that prayer.

And I gave my plans to God.
Trust.
It's a tricky thing.
Especially when you are raising children.
But I was also reminded of a wise man who once asked me just who exactly did I think I was to assume that I was in this all by myself.  I have the Creator of the Universe walking this path with me, loving my children more than I do.  How dare I not trust Him when I am following His lead?

This stepping out on faith is a daunting task.
But it's time I let go.
Of a lot of things.
Of my past.
Of my fears.
Of my heartaches.

Of my
Plans.

Lord, I lay down my plans.
Take my life and use it
For You.

I Ran

It was cool and it was calm, quiet and still.
And so I ran.

Muscles stretching, feet pounding pavement
I ran.

Out the door
Into the road
Away

I ran.

Away from thoughts.
Away from concerns.
Away from fears.

I ran.

Away from problems.
Away from responsiblities.
Away from it all.

I ran.

Away.

Consuming the cool morning air, knees aching, feet still pounding

I ran.
To.
Something.

You see, you cannot run away from anything without running toward something else.
I realized that this morning.
I can try to run away.
Fill my mind/time/heart with distractions.
But away from one thing always leads toward another.

As I ran, heart pounding, lungs expanding
Where was I running to?
I had a decision to make.
Where was I going?

Ultimately
Toward the Peace.
Toward the Truth.
Toward the Voice of the One who knows the depths of my heart.
Who truly knows what I am running from.

He fills my lungs as I breathe.
He moves through my veins as my muscles refuse to quit running.
He consumes me.
He sustains me.
He surrounds me.
And urges me onward.
Step by step.
Moment by moment.

I ran.

Springtime Brattiness

Recently I faced another big blow.
I received bad news.
All of my plans and hard work and goal achieving seemed down the tubes based upon this information.

And I threw one hellacious fit.

Justified, I screamed. I cried.  I threw things. I broke things.
And I. Was. Ugly.
To just about everyone but especially to the one who caused all of this trouble.
The nerve!
The complete inconsideration!
The utter selfishness!

Yep.  I sure showed it.

Here's the gut-wrenching truth:
I acted like a big, fat baby.
A spoiled rotten teen who didn't get her way, I showed out in ultimate bratty form.

It took a long, painful porch chat to face what I already knew in my gut but was denying:
The true reason I was upset was not because someone wronged me.
It was because I didn't get my way.
I had set goals and worked hard to achieve them - and never once placed God's plan ahead of my own.
If He wanted me to accomplish what I was working to accomplish: I would have made it by now.
That's the truth.
So I ask myself, once more: Why do I refuse to trust Him?

The world would tell me that yes, I had a right to be upset and what I faced was a very significant blow to my goals and plans.
The Spirit would say, "What a foolish issue to get so bent out of shape over."
It was a true sign that my feet are too firmly planted in this world.

I don't know what the future holds.
I do know that I am weary of trudging over this same ground day after day, year after year.
I am tired of the same questions and conversations and prayers.
I am ready to be making forward progress.  And I am not sure what that means.
But I trust God to lead and answer my questions.
And I trust that this latest bit of worldly bad news was just another answer from my Great Love that I simply didn't want to hear in the moment.
He has my future - if I will simply let it go.

And speaking of  "Let It Go"...

Kintsukuroi

The great philosopher Jon Bon Jovi once penned, "Everybody's Broken."
It's true.
We may feel like we are the only ones somedays.
We see friends at church or peruse social media where everyone puts their best face forward and we think, "Maybe it's me."

It's not.

A friend of mine recently asked me when the 'broken' season would be over.
She got me to pondering.

I'm not sure it ever ends.

Yet, that doesn't have to be a negative.

My broken season was my greatest.  If you've followed me, you understand why.
When I became broken was when I found my True Love in the Creator and my life has not been the same since.  Still, I didn't necessarily enjoy the process of breaking: Becoming Broken.
But being broken is who I am.
Do I mean living in my pain and woe and dredging it up every chance I get?
Do I mean feeling sorry for myself?
Do I mean embracing bitterness?
Not in any way at all.

On the contrary, it is only through my brokenness that God can truly shine through.
If I am whole and complete in me, then I am the only one seen.
And that is a poor image to behold.
Only through my cracks and breaks can the Love of the God of the Universe truly be seen and shine through.

And honestly, that is what I want.
For Him (and Him alone) to be what others see.

What an honor.
To be chosen by the King of Kings as a vessel for His light to shine through.
Oh, my prayer:
Please God:  Never seal up my broken cracks with anything but your Love.

It is the only thing worth seeing.

 

30 Days of Prayer

Ever feel that tug in your gut?
That nagging, gnawing, persistent thought/emotion/urge that just won't let up?

No?  Well then you can stop reading.
For the rest, you get what I'm saying.

Yesterday I blogged about getting my butt off of the "it's all about me" couch and instead jumping back on the "it's really about God" train.

It's not that easy. I do know that.  For those of you who may have been annoyed at that post, I really do get it.  I know better than anyone that working on letting go of hurt and pain and frustration is just that: work.

And me, the problem-solver, task-attacker that I am wants a plan of action so I can see results.

We're people.  Not flow charts.
This life is a process.

But I did have an idea smack me upside the head.
(Actually, nag me for the past 4 months is more like it).

Much of my pouty self-focus has stemmed from hurt I've felt from people.  People who've not apologized; maybe not even realized that they've caused me pain. (And before you go there, I know the word of God addresses how to handle situations when others have sinned against you.  I have perspective in that arena that I may or may not share another time.  Today's focus is on my own heart in the meantime).
It has been easy for me to dwell.
On my hurt.  On my anger.  On my poor pitiful self.
(All justified, mind you.  As are your pains as well).

Yet.
How?  How on earth can I just let it all go?
(Insert recent overplayed Disney song here).

It doesn't have to be complicated.
It also cannot remotely be fabricated.
It is honest, heart-felt, gut-wrenchingly real prayer.

This month, as I accepted the challenge to 30 days of prayer for the Ukraine, I also challenge myself to 30 days of prayer for those who have caused me pain.  There may be days my prayer focuses on one individual.  There may be days when I pray for a group.  But at the end of this month, my overall hope is that my heart towards all I pray for will be softened and better able to forgive, and love, and let go.

It will be painful. I plan to pour my heart out to my Great Love and let the tears wash me clean in His never-failing Love. 
Some days I predict will be unbearably challenging.  I trust God to provide the grace I will need. 
Some days will be healing. 
Overall, I predict freedom.

Have you been hurt?
I know you have.
Will you join me?
We can encourage each other.
Let's pour our hearts out.
Let's beg God to comfort.
Let's ask Him to bless our hurtful neighbor.
Let's allow Him to heal the broken.
Our broken.

Let's pray.

I Make a Lousy Living Sacrifice

I have been staring at a blank screen.

My friends are telling me to write.

God is telling me to write.

So, I sit.
And I stare.
The blank screen glares back at me.
The keyboard taunts me.
The challenge in my head plays over and over again
As day after day I sit and stare at the bright white in front me.

Wordless.

It's not right. 
This dilemma from the woman I thought that I was.
I am supposed to have wisdom and insight and encouragement and strength.

Lately I have felt the complete opposite of everything listed above.
Foolish.  Thoughtless.  Discouraged.  Weak.

One thing happened late last week that began to stir something inside of me again.
Just one little thing.
One little, big, simple yet life altering moment.

I, yet again, broke and finally acknowledged that this life and journey is not about me.

Lately I've really, I mean really, struggled with that.
And was in complete denial.

Instead, I dove head-first into my never-ending well of hurts and frustrations
Wrapping them around me like a familiar, warm blanket from which I could not seem to break free.
The problem with that blanket is that it has holes in it.
Big ones.
And it's itchy. And scratchy.
So, I would just readjust myself and shift positions, never shedding the comfort or familiarity of curling up in my sorrows.

I plan to address some of those sorrows, because I think some of you can relate and need encouragement in the midst of the hurt and abandonment and reality of being thrust into a leper colony not of your choosing.
But today's post is not about that.
Today is about the decision to step out of the uncomfortable familiar.
To break free.

A few years ago I had a revelation:
I am never happy when I am focused on myself.
It is a challenge daily to lay myself upon the altar.
It would be easy if people were always nice and helpful, encouraging and apologetic.
But they're not.
People can be thoughtless and mean.  Selfish and cruel.
And it is hard to put them first when my heart is still mending.

Here's a realization: My heart will forever be mending.
There will never come a day when I will say "I am healed" and feel pain no more.
Because compassion comes with a price: heartache.

God tells me to love people anyway.

After all, He loved me at my absolute worst.
When hope was lost.
When all had vanished.
I had nothing to offer Him.
Nothing.
He scooped me up in His amazingly powerful arms and held me, never to let me go.

How could I not turn around and love His most prized creation out of the never ending well of His Love and Compassion for me?

When I don't, it's because I forget that:

HE is enough.
He IS enough.
He is ENOUGH.

Him.
It is ALL and ONLY about HIM.

And that, dear friends, is when I remember

I remember
I remember

That I can lay:
My hurts
My pain
My desires
My plans
My dreams
My Life
on the altar
because He already made the real sacrifice.

I have no right to make any moment of my life about me.
If I am still standing...
And I am...
It is for one purpose and one purpose only.

Not to dwell on me.

To point to Him.

Today's Prayer

"Lord, make my life a testimony to your compassion and grace."

I've pondered that prayer this week.
A lot.

I used to pray it quite often.
When my world had crashed and God saved me from the pit.  He rescued me and sustained me and became the very oxygen I inhaled and the blood in my veins.

Now, nearly 5 years later, life is quite different.
In some ways, more comfortable.
Although the enemy enjoys finding ways to remind me of my brokenness-
pouring salt in old wounds that have never completely healed.
My Great Love, however, turns those moments around to remind me how far I have come - how far He has brought me - and the sting of remembering is washed away in the soothing waters of His grace and mercy and provision.

In the more smoother season of life I now lead, I never want to live complacent...
Yet I quite enjoy being comfortable.

That's where this prayer steps in and asks me:
Do I Really Trust Him?

I say I do.
My life is a living breathing testimony to His goodness.
But I also know that testimony came as a result of heartache.

How many of us can say the same thing?

Many, is my guess.

So why do we fight the trials?
As if they will ease if I just fight hard enough against the waves.


But then, this:

 

 

I do.  Kiss the wave.

I treasure it.

Because it did slam me into the One who carried and saved me.

Time and time again.

 

The only way my life can be a testimony to God's compassion and grace is for me to first of all remember and acknowledge all the ways He was compassionate and graceful to me. Secondly, I must live that compassion and grace to others.

And sometimes...

No, scratch that.

OFTEN

It is hard to do.

 

That's what takes me back to the prayer I shared earlier -

It is a difficult prayer to say - and mean - sometimes.

 

People can be frustrating.

Cruel.

Selfish.

Annoying.

Sometimes Toxic.

 

God gave no qualifiers on who we are to love and show compassion towards.

 

Some days are easy - when my children are angelic and my friends come through and others act in love towards me.

Other days, not so much, when children are snarky and others are critical, judgmental, self-serving and place their own agendas above their relationship with me.

 

Love them anyway.

 

How many times have I heard the saying,

"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about" ?

Often.

How many times do I apply that to others instead myself?

Rarely.
I often want others to show me grace for they don't know all of the battles I have faced or presently face.

They don't know all that is on my plate

Or what struggles I confront.

Yet, I am oftentimes the quickest to form judgments against another without taking into account that I don't know all they are facing today.

 

So, today, I WILL pray:

"Lord, make my life a testimony to your compassion and grace."

And I will mean it.
Because His hand of compassion and grace in my life has been truly overwhelming.
And I owe Him.

Truly.

My Life.

 

 

My Corner of the World

Now and then I need to step back and reevaluate why I do what do.
In everything.

The latter part of 2013 brought moments of contemplation for me that really led me to slow down
Breathe deeply
And focus on what was directly in front of me.

Sometimes I get so consumed in the big picture,
My desire to make an impact on the world,
That I forget that the world is right in front of me-
In the faces of the ones who are my world.

So, I stepped back.
Reassessed.
And took a break from my daydreams of world changing.

I daydream about travelling to exotic lands to
Hold in my arms orphan babies
Touch the lined faces of women whose language I do not speak
View the smiles of aged men who've walked paths I've never seen
Scale mountains I've only seen in pictures
Gaze upon a sunrise knowing my homeland tucks in for the night.

I may never get to do these things.

But what I do get to experience can take my breath away
If I will only let it.

My one-foot-in-childhood/one-foot-in-adolescence daughter begging to read Dr. Seuss to me at bedtime.
My man-child asking me ALL of the questions, grown-up questions, late into the night on Christmas Eve.
Mealtime at the table.
Bike riding and hiking.
Disciplining as my children grow into young adults.
Witnessing the student overcoming fear and speaking with confidence.
Listening to the young man jabber on in my office about his own dreams to change the world.
Watching young people exit my classroom with skills and confidence to take on their dreams.

Each of us is a world-changer.

It begins

Today.

Now.

Change the world right where you stand.

And if we all change the corner of the world in which we live,
The whole world changes.